'What if these moments between us mean more than we could Dream?' - Allie Moss

Who's to know when the important things in life are coming up? Or if they've already passed us by? For all we know, that moment, that person, that decision, that seemed so inconsequential at the time could have been the pivotal crossroad between happiness and, well, fierce mediocrity. Sounds serious doesn't it? My housemate has actually asked me not to discuss this idea with her for the anxiety it creates. That guy that smiled at you as you were buying a paper the other day - mild flirtation? Should you have acted on it? That girl who you spoke to all night in a pub, who then had to leave because she needed to be up in the morning for work so had to call it a night - a memory of a pleasant evening or a missed opportunity? To get a little dull if I may, this bring us onto the aspect of chance and serendipity. Hindsight means nothing if you believe that these chances, these decisions, will keep coming. They happen every day. Every day. The difference between moving forward and taking those chances doesn't even have to mean recognising them when they come, it's just not dwelling on those moments that we think may have passed us by. By not regretting, by being open to 'moments' you never know what path your life might lead down.

As always, I try to relate this to me in someway - not because I'm incredibly self-indulgent obviously, more because it might make more sense in my own head. That's the excuse I like to rely on at least. In all truth though, Allie Moss's lyric did get me wondering about what I should act on and what I shouldn't. If anything, a second thought about being proactive rather than being instantly dismissive makes for a much more fulfilled mindset. It's a minor change, but actually stepping back and thinking, 'this IS a choice I can make', and knowing that you can decide what happens next is weirdly empowering, even if you come to the same conclusion as you would have before this change in outlook. Jesus, I sound like some sort of fucking life coach - which I HATE - buuuuut if I hadn't tried it myself I wouldn't preach it. Recently, I had a date (garnered through this new openness to invitations)which is not an uncommon event in my life if I'm honest but what was different here, is that I asked her for dinner, I thought 'Why not?' and broke my cardinal rule of never asking through fear I would get shot down in flames. As it turns out, we had fun but absolutely nothing in common, a result that I was absolutely fine with. It was a night with a girl that I didn't know, but now I do. Did the moments between us mean more than what they were? I think not. But at least I know. And when I eventually do have a moment with that someone that I want to spend my life with, I'll be pleased that I didn't just recognise it, I was open to it. Because without hindsight, that's all we really can be.

'Can you lie next to her, and give her your heart?' - Mumford & Sons

I often wonder what life would be like if my belief in love was jaded. Let's not play games - I am clearly an advocate for the heart-wrenching 'movie love' we so often see sold as the ideal. A brief scan of my previous posts will attest to that. And in doing this my thought's, as they would, tend to stray to past experiences: those moments, those memories, and those people that have shaped the way I feel about current relationships. There is of course a common theme that emerges through this reminiscence: every relationship in my past, whether short or long, has come to an end. And if it entailed an angry parting tirade or a friendly mutual understanding, each goodbye catalysed a fresh dose of knowledge with their passing.
'Do more of this next time.'....'Be less of that next time.'

I question what it is that these past experiences do for us? Do they help or hinder? Do they strengthen us, or simply serve to put doubts in our mind? I know that my own experiences certainly haven't jaded my want for there to be an ideal, but have they limited my actual ability to appreciate it?

An example: My first love was the strongest I've ever felt for someone. Even having had closure on it, on a purely physiological level I know that THAT experience was the most involving emotionally. Now, retrospect tells me that this relationship flourished in a very different world to 'the real world'. As two young people growing up we didn't have the stresses of bills, jobs, and certainly no responsibilities. So, again in retrospect, I know that it is foolish to consign this relationship as my 'ideal'. But what matters most I feel, rather than pander to my 'not living in reality' justification, is my own knowledge that since this, I have never experienced higher highs or, conversely, lower lows. This is what we all look for surely? Haven't we all seen movies that tell us we do? The songs sing about it don't they? This magical rollercoaster, the whirlwind of feelings, of emotions that are uncontrollable and consuming and stupid and needed and welcomed and frightening and primal? And I know, I know, that everyones experiences are different, and I know that putting a childhood sweetheart on a pedestal is foolhardy - but ever since, no matter how much I like the person I'm with, I ask myself the above lyric: I just never realised how important that question was. I believe in a love where there is no doubt. I believe it is out there. I believe that there is someone out there just as geeky about Disney and Harry Potter and books and music as me. Someone who is more than happy to have a duvet day with shitty movies and each other's company. Someone out there who tells me when I'm wrong, but understands when they are. Someone out there who thinks they are lucky to have found me, knowing that those feelings are reciprocated. Someone out there who, when I do lie next to her, I can give her my heart. All of it. Happily.